I’m convinced Jason Whitlock is the CEO of the Sunken Place Depot chain that services the greater Sunken Place area. I’m pretty sure Ben Carson and Herschel Walker both fell asleep on the couch, woke up in Sunken Place Neverland and decided they wanted to be tap dancing Peter Pan for the rest of their lives.
But even with all of this exposure to extreme white assimilation, I am still taken aback by a tweet posted by the campaign of Georgia congressional candidate Vernon Jones, the Black Republican who used to be a Democrat and is now in the running to be most confused and sunken-placed Black man in America.
“Straight, white males deserve a Pride Month,” Jones tweeted on Thursday, apparently in reference to the fact that June is Pride Month for the LGBTQ community. “The Left won’t acknowledge it, but that group might just be the most discriminated group in America today.”
First of all, it’s not even worth the word count for me to spend a lot of time explaining that the straight white male demographic is overwhelmingly represented in every aspect of America’s power structure—from elected officials to corporate America to America’s uber-rich to our legal system and beyond—and could never be the most discriminated against in the country. I’m not going to waste too much of my bandwidth stating the obvious—that “Straight White Male Pride Month” is every single day in America, or that a “Straight White Male Pride” parade is literally the Proud Boys.
I’m not even going to be petty and point out the irony of this being tweeted by a man (or whoever is running Jones’ account) who was successfully sued by straight white males who accused him of racial discrimination while he was a Dekalb County official. (Again, if I was a petty man, I would point this out—but I am not a petty man.)
In fact, I’m not even going to fight Jones on this. Let’s go ahead and give straight white males their own Pride month.
We could honor the month by staging events where scores of angry white men march through the streets carrying some kind of torch (perhaps of the tiki variety) and wearing cute little red caps with some kind of slogan like, “Unite the…Straight White Males,” or “Make…Straight White Males Great Again.”
We could even have these White Pride month celebrators storm the U.S. Capitol in an effort to overturn any vote that wasn’t cast by a straight white conservative voter.
Seriously, I can’t believe no one ever thought of these things before now.
And why stop there? Straight White Male Pride events could include arts and kkkrafts activities where the straight white males stitch together nice white robes made of bed sheets with wholesome little pointy white hats. They could stage Civil War reenactments with alternative endings where the South rises again and wins their war to keep their Blacks in the cotton fields.
And just so Jones will have something to do at these events—I mean, besides serving the Kool-Aid and making sure everyone has extra mayo to go along with their raisin-pride potato salad—we could put together a Clayton Bigsby cosplay contest for the entertainment of the straight white males Jones is so desperate to cozy up to. Hell, if he really wanted to go wild with it, Jones could even stage an impromptu Uncle Ruckus sing-along.